This guy just sat next to me on the bus and was like “I’m too fat to sit in these chairs,” so I suggested that maybe he shouldn’t wear so much cologne.

Foot Fetish

My dream is to go on a date with a guy who has a foot fetish, get really drunk and then whisper seductively in his ear “best part about my toes? I’ve got eleven of them.”

One of my most vivid childhood memories is going to the movies with my family.  We were going to see a movie (the title of which I cannot remember), but I insisted on seeing Fantasia because it was a cartoon and it looked spectacular.  So I begged my family to see that instead.  Finally, my dad agreed to take me to see Fantasia, while my mother and sister went to see something else.  During the movie, I started sniffling and eventually just cried and cried — not because I was scared, but because I was SO bored.  So so bored.  My dad took me out of the theatre, called me a brat, and made me sit outside and wait for my mom and sister until their movie finished.  

Moral of the story:  I’d still rather stare at a blank wall, eating a tub of popcorn, than finish watching that movie.

A Babysitting Trick

If you ever find yourself babysitting a small child, a good activity is to provide them with some items that have child “safety” locks on them.*  Tell the child there are prizes inside, and if they can get the cap off, they can keep them!  This will keep them busy for at least 20 minutes - in case you need a nap or something.

*Note:  be sure the products you’re providing are not from a “discount” store.  Make sure you buy the real thing, since some of the discounted products can have faulty locks and the game won’t last as long.

You’re welcome.